Staying at Home
/Mid-March seems like it was so long ago. Back then, I was stressed out just thinking about our busy spring sports schedule. I joked about how I wanted to wear my super comfy llama pajamas for dress-down day. I was ahead in my lesson plans for school and had lots of great Chemistry labs scheduled. We were even going to finish the entire math book for one class!
On our unknowingly last day of school, we celebrated Pi Day. As a last minute effort, I stopped at a grocery store on my way there and grabbed a ridiculous amount of mini pies from the bakery for my students. There was an air of uncertainty and I knew they needed extra kindness. I collected email addresses and told them to take their books home just in case. I gave away all of the extra pies to my senior class and went home. By 3:00 the governor closed all of the schools in the state.
At first, of course, I was ready to tackle every challenge. We made a detailed menu plan for 3 weeks including all meals and snacks with a strategic grocery shopping schedule. I tried to do at least one fun craft or activity with the kids every day. We did puzzles and spring cleaning. I switched to online teaching and attended webinars to learn as many new skills as possible. I wore pajamas every day. I even got dressed into fresh PJs in the morning just because I could! I started sewing lots of masks. My social media feed was flooded with love and support for health care and essential workers. The girls baked and tried new recipes. They took walks when we had breaks in the rain/cold and if it was really nice we had a picnic! When their distance learning started, each one was given a list of assignments and a few chores to complete every day.
The weeks turned into months.
My menu planning became a few ideas scribbled in pencil then blank pages and trying to determine how many times I can get away with calling it leftover night. Does ice cream count as a meal? Our arts and crafts fizzled and I constantly hear, “I’m booooorrrrred!” The house is generally a mess. My social media feed is flooded with controversy and bickering. My kids are this close to being distance learning drop-outs- completing only the bare minimum after many bribes/threats.
I am tired.
I think we are all tired.
For some reason, as soon as the shut down began, my kids had a fascination with breaking apart rocks. They loved smashing them to see what was inside. I feel like that is a pretty good analogy for my life during the past few months.
I feel a bit like those rocks. Like I have been broken wide open to reveal what is inside. Particularly hard rocks have to be hit a few extra times to bust them open. I have been known to be stubborn, so I guess that is an appropriate analogy, too.
It seems like whenever I go through a typically tough time, extra challenges arise to compound the situation. This “quarantine season” has been particularly brutal. It just felt like I was getting so much thrown at me at once. Every time I thought I couldn’t handle anything else, there was more. I was trying to do it all, handle it all, control it all, in my own strength, and I couldn’t.
Finally, I had to admit the truth.
There is very little that I am able to control. I can control my own actions, choices, and even my words, which may be the hardest. Outside of that, everything is uncertain.
So, in my most broken moments, here is what I keep reminding myself:
I am not in control and I never was, but I know Who is and I trust Him.
It doesn’t look that hard when I type it out, but daily living it out is another thing altogether.
It means fighting feelings of anxiety about the future and anger about the choices other people make.
It means fighting for my peace in small, daily decisions.
It means focusing on my own actions, choices, and words, then handing the rest over.
It means choosing to trust God no matter what. No matter what. Those are dangerous words, but at times like this, when I am reminded of just how very uncertain it all is and always was, I can look to the One who never changes. He is the only certainty.
Of course, all of life is a mixture of good and bad. I fought hard to make the best out of our situation. That is always important to me. I am going to be blogging over the next few weeks to share some of the fun things that we did together over the past few months. And when I say “fun” please understand that it was not entirely fun for everyone and there was always a bit of ugliness and drama going on here simultaneously. I want to be clear about that because authenticity is important to me, too. Things often felt like they were falling apart, but I tried my best to do something extra special once a week for what we began to call “Forced Family Fun Friday.” Stay tuned…
